Category Archives: natural disaster

Willpower: Perfect, Free and Permissive

It’s the nature of psychotherapy that we enter into people’s suffering with them, and there we face together the big, awful questions of life. For believers who struggle (and who doesn’t?) and those nonbelievers whose skepticism and doubt are underscored by the terrible events of life, I offer, not for the first time, a clumsy explanation about the role of will. I take no credit for the originality of these ideas; a wise priest, C.S. Lewis and others get all the credit. But in case you are not in the market to take up a theological book, or even Lewis’s wonderfully clear and concise “Mere Christianity,” I offer my awkward summary.

Many religious people pour salt in their own suffering by imagining that, since everything that happens is due to God’s Will, then they have to wrestle with a God who wanted, for example, their loved one to be killed by a drunk driver. That grief is a terrible burden to bear, made worse if you believe that the God whom you love and serve orchestrated it with terrible precision. Adding to this is the unhelpful, albeit well-intended, “comfort” offered by those who say it’s all God’s Will.

This problem of what a good God is up to, which I dare to wade into, is the difference between what we believers might describe, (and again, I borrow the terms from wise people) as God’s Perfect Will versus God’s Permissive Will. And between them stand, like obstinate toddlers, all of humanity with its free will, myself included.

The Perfect plan, if I may, would be all of us living in harmony. Each would be using their gifts to bring service and joy to others; kindness and generosity would rule the day. The earth itself would continue to evolve to perfection – what we look forward to with the final end of disease and suffering.

And … we have free will. That messes things up. In the Perfect Will of God, that drunk driver would not gotten drunk. They would have not gotten behind the wheel, they would not have been deluded into believing they were “fine.” But free will allows that stupid, selfish, and evil series of choices. It also allowed the choices by other people: to not intervene, to not be ready to be the fun killer who takes away the keys and calls a rideshare or deliver the drunk home oneself. There are usually not-so-innocent bystanders in such situations. Not everyone drives drunk. Some people text and drive. Some people gossip. Some people attack other people on (anti)social media. Some people have numbed themselves to the loneliness of someone right there, in their own home. Most of us probably do some sort of selfish act every day, even if we are oblivious to its impact on other people. I am certain I do, and it’s probably far worse and more often than I imagine.

So here we all are, stepping on one another’s toes at best and causing profound suffering at worst, making a tremendous disaster of a world that is supposed to be evolving to perfection. And that mess is what might be called God’s Permissive Will. It was not God’s Perfect plan, but since free will was given, this is what we get.

I will now go out on a more fragile limb and offer a thought: that when Scripture tells us that God works all things together for good for those who love Him (Romans 8:28) that perhaps what that means is that our own free will comes into play here. When tragedy strikes, will I draw closer to God (good for me) or pull away (bad for me)? Will I go through the struggle of discerning what would God want me to do in this new and terrible circumstance, which I did not want, or will I just rebel or seek comfort in self-destructive numbing?  God, I believe, does not allow someone die tragically in order to “teach you (or me) a lesson.” But I believe that, when tragedy arises, then the “good” to be worked out will be to try to discern how to be a good person despite the tragedy, which will always lead us closer to God.

I hope this is helpful to someone who is suffering.

7 Things to do When Life Is Crazy

Sometimes, life just goes horribly sidewise.  This week, like most weeks, I spent time with people who have lost their homes to natural disasters, lost their job, had loved ones die, and sometimes are grappling with multiple serious problems.  The world seems crazy, you can feel like you’re going mad, and it is oh-so-easy to slide into attempts to numb the pain that are ultimately harmful.

It’s easy to advise people on what NOT to do – don’t drink alcohol. Don’t use drugs. Don’t eat a lot of junk food. Don’t let yourself scroll through social media and/or your newsfeed for extended periods of times. It’s easier, though, to “do” than to “not do.”  Anyone who has tried to break a bad habit knows that; it’s easier to “eat an apple” than to “not smoke/drink/eat a bag of cheesy poofs the size of a pillow.”

So, here are seven things to do – and keep doing – when life is crazy

  1. Say grace. Say grace when you get to sit at a table and say grace – together – when you eating a granola bar in the shade after another few hours of trying to make sense of the debris that used to be your home.  Say grace when you are out on a hike, just about out of water, and have miles to go. G.K. Chesterton famously noted he said grace when he sat down to write, to draw, etc.  A moment of gratitude shifts the focus from the mud to the mountaintop.
  2. Put the social media/news scrolling down and, instead, watch something that will make you laugh, preferably either an episode of a sitcom or a funny movie. Why? These require sustained attention, will bring a focus on characters who have ups and downs, and have the potential to make you laugh. Laughter releases dopamine – that feel-good chemistry that helps you heal.  Make it better and share that humor break with someone else. Sharing laughter with the person you love helps that sense of connection that seems strained, or even lost, when life has gone crazy.
  3. Eat food that is good for you. Ongoing extreme stress causes havoc in your body, including your brain, and getting decent nutrition is essential to your well-being, now and later.  I did the price comparison:  a precooked chicken, a bag of salad, some fruit and a little something else healthy, for example, feeds two or four people far cheaper than most or all fast food. Your brain will thank you.
  4. Listen to music that is soothing: piano or guitar, instrumental jazz, classical, baroque:  as tempting as it may be to listen to “angry” music because you feel so angry about what’s become of your life, that will only reinforce your distress.  Let peace soak into you, however slowly it may come.
  5. Check in with other people every day. Reach out to someone to see how s/he is doing. It helps us get out of our own heads, our experiences, and feel less alone.
  6. Get outside, preferably in the morning, for natural light exposure. You don’t need to bake in the sun; just get out there. Take a walk if you can.  Early natural light helps the brain regulate the sleep/wake cycle, setting you up for a healthy rhythm of melatonin production over the course of the day.
  7. Ask God to show you where He is at work in the events of your life, because when life goes crazy, the fog can make God’s loving presence hard to detect. Ask for the grace to notice the helping hands, the kind words, the moments of clarity.

I’m sorry if life has gone crazy. It is scary, and lonely, and disorienting when disaster strikes. If you find that you are sinking, reach out for help:  call your local helpline (in Pinellas County, FL the number is 1-888-431-1998, for the new Care About Me program that helps match those in crisis with an appropriate mental health provider).  Call a friend, a family member, or, if you are feeling unsafe and considering suicide or plan to harm yourself or others, go seek immediate help via 911 or go to an emergency service location.  When life has gone crazy, it is natural to feel frightened, confused and even helpless, but remember that none of us were designed to “handle it all.” We are, in fact, designed so that our strengths are distributed so that each has something to offer but none has every gift and ability.  Please reach out for help if you feel you are sinking.