Tag Archives: psychology

The Invisibles

August 29, 2015

The Invisibles

In David Zweig’s new book, The Invisibles, he explores the rich environment of those whose dedication to excellence and satisfaction in their work so often hides behind the scenes…and yet is essential to the lifestyle we enjoy. Examples are fact-checkers, anesthesiologists, and structural engineers. Who, for example, praises structural engineers, or pays them any attention whatsoever – until something goes dreadfully wrong? It’s a deep and interesting read, and well worth one’s time.

There are many of these Invisibles. In fact, a great deal of normal, daily life comprises settling into the role of the Invisible. Consider, for example, the many household duties that must be done and yet fade into invisibility. No one really notices the spouse who, besides holding down a job, drops off and picks up the dry cleaning, buys groceries and makes sure the right items are available for meals and snacks, tends to bill-paying, drops off and picks up children at school and aftercare, packs lunches, checks book bags and furtively checks to see if little toothbrushes have really been used. However, if the other spouse does an unusually good job of tidying up the yard and throws in a bit of extra landscaping – some pavers there, a new pot of herbs here – no doubt the neighbors will toss some praise. The yard work was visible. All that other stuff is background noise.

Of course, the errand-runner ought not to be doing errands to garner praise, and the yard-keeper likewise. Let’s face it, we shouldn’t get the Parent of the Year award for making sure five-year-olds brush their teeth. Adults should be able to accept, with grace, the inevitable invisibility but also seek and honor the invisible, and visible, efforts of our loved ones. It’s not easy to find the time to seek the invisible when you feel overworked and underappreciated yourself. I’ve advised clients in this position to make a list (ostensibly for themselves but also as a family-education tool) of the many tasks that have to be done daily, several times weekly, weekly, bi-weekly and monthly, and post that in the kitchen. It will help them stay organized, and it often generates interest, surprise and then sincere helpfulness in the spouse.

“What’s all this?” (Suspiciously)

“Oh, it’s the stuff I have to keep track of; my therapist suggested I make a list.”

“Holy cannoli, you’ve been doing ALL THIS?”

“Yeah.” (No sarcasm allowed here!)

“Well, what can I do to help? I had no idea all this stuff was going on.” (Here, resist the urge to say, “Well, how the heck do you THINK your dry cleaning got done, the litter box was scooped and your mom’s birthday gift made it to the post office?” That would just generate a contest on who rightfully feels more unappreciated. Odds are, you are both missing opportunities left and right to express appropriate gratitude).

Sometimes, people don’t realize how much invisible work their spouse has been doing until they have been widowed. Then, all the unnoticed tasks their husband or wife did become glaringly obvious. It can be overwhelming and even worse – a big source of guilt for not appreciating all those small, thoughtful, invisible contributions to daily life.

So…look for the invisible and say thank you.

Dr. Lori Puterbaugh

© 2015

Posts are for information and entertainment purposes only and should not be construed to be therapeutic advice. If you are in need of mental health assistance, please contact a licensed professional in your area.

Water, Judgment and Stuff

Sometimes Mother Nature takes a swipe at our stuff, and we find out what’s important and what’s not.

We had a little water in our basement – the ground was so saturated from 2+ feet of rain in a few weeks that water began oozing through concrete blocks. After some initial dismay (Really? This is the moment the shop vac decides to die?), I felt relief at some items not damaged and indifferent to most that were. The truth was, I was more than a little relieved to be able to be rid of some of that stuff. Do you have those things, too – piles of stuff that have accumulated and are neither treasured nor useful?

It’s an interesting mental exercise: if a natural disaster took a bunch of my stuff, what would I be most relieved to find still intact, in the wreckage? I suspect that in a real disaster, I would be grateful for anything that was a link to a swept-away past. Any photo, any old Christmas ornament, would be precious under those circumstances.

Flashes of insight come relatively easily; change, not so easily. After the realization that I was not sad that some old drawings and paintings are gone, and realizing how little I really cared about a lot of stuff I’d accumulated, life rolled on and I did nothing substantive to reduce the clutter.

Not content to let me congratulate myself on my bit of awareness, I was given a dream. In my dream, I was dead and being judged, and the Lord took me into my closet and pointed to the many clothes I rarely wore and gently asked me why I still had them when others needed them? Each tired shirt and sweater, dusty on a forgotten hanger, was a reproach against my selfishness and oblivion to others’ needs. Dickens’ Marley was weighed down with chains of money boxes; I fear I will drag chains of little-worn clothing, books and kitsch. It is time, once again, to start purging: cabinets, closets, overflowing shelves. There is a big box next to the closet – 2 x 2 x 3 – and it is rapidly filling with “stuff” that I hope someone really can use.

I am still not exactly grateful for that half-inch of stinky water in my basement, but thanks…I got the hint, and this time, I hope, it will stick.

Dr. Lori Puterbaugh

© 2015

Posts are for information and entertainment purposes only and should not be construed to be therapeutic advice. If you are in need of mental health assistance, please contact a licensed professional in your area.

If you need an answer right away, the answer is no…

…if you need a “yes,” a “yes” takes time.

So states the Sirusas Principle, named after a former boss who asserted this to, among others, commercial lending customers who were rather insistent on getting disbursements on the strength of a phone call.

No doubt the same can be said when dealing with children, employees, friends – and anyone else whose misbehavior or request seems to demand an immediate response.

One of the old tenets of parenting, based on behaviorist research, is that we have to immediately intervene with some sort of brilliantly thought-out and superlatively consistent response to every instance of misbehavior. Not only do we inflict this impossible standard on parents (including ourselves), but we carry it out into the world at large. An employee wants an extra day off? A friend needs a favor? Your second cousin wants to know if you’re flying out for a baby shower for your third cousin’s fifth child? Car salesperson wants your decision now? We foray into each encounter expecting that we must have a great decision, instant intervention and surefooted strategy for every possible situation.

Meh, not so much.

This notion no doubt is rooted in psychological research involving birds and rats. People don’t need an immediate consequence to get the message. Even your toddler can wait while you calm down and figure out what message you want to transmit. Sure, yelling and acting like a mean, angry giant works, if by “works” you mean, terrorize your kid and teach them that “might makes right,” no matter what. Was that the lesson you had in mind? If not, announce calmly that a response is forthcoming and change the subject until you can figure out what to do, or remember what your great plan was for just such an occasion.

If you doubt a child, or employee, or friend, can wait for a response to misbehavior or a request, consider whether said person would forget a positive promise. Odds are if you tell a three year old you are going to the zoo “tomorrow,” or in “three days,” the three year old will be able to remember you promised. So, if said three year old is a real stinker at the grocery store, you can say, “Wow, I’m so disappointed. I thought you knew better how to behave at the store. We will have to have a consequence when we get home.” No yelling, no screeching, no suspicious looks from naïve fellow shoppers who have not yet learned how difficult children can be. Your child will not forget that you are “thinking.” Meanwhile, you can calm down, think it through, and come up with a response that makes sense. The consequence may mean a short period of quiet “thinking time” for the three year old – and a very short conversation (one or two minutes) about making good choices next time.

Some people feel they must act immediately or they fear they will look weak, or, knowing their own dislike for confrontation, they suspect they will simply allow themselves to be misused. This is sort of fear is a powerful force, and merits its own attention, beyond the scope of this short essay.

Whether it’s fear of looking weak or fear that you will ultimately fail to act at all, consider learning to put that reflexive need for action away and take a deep breath before you decide what to do. Perhaps you will decide that making that first decision be to temporarily postpone a specific decision is the most useful option for you.

Dr. Lori Puterbaugh

© 2015