New Year’s Resolutions (past tense already?)

Well, it’s not quite the Feast of Epiphany…and a lot of New Year’s resolutions have come and gone. If you have “failed” in some way, you can always start over. To kick off a series on making the new year better, here are some thoughts:

  1. Why do so many people set goals like punitive parents, taking away privileges or pleasures, instead of setting goals of doing something? When you make a goal of dietary changes, why do you have to be a mean parent, taking away your own cheesy poofs, instead of a helpful coach, suggesting you have a serving of fresh fruit or vegetable once a day?
  2. Do you have an old goal – an old hope, or change – that you have postponed making? You keep postponing a particular trip? Never get around to playing the guitar again? A change in hairstyle that’s long overdue (yes, if you had your hair that way in the senior picture, it’s too long overdue if you’re out of college), or some more meaningful change? Maybe you need to revisit that change. It might be time.
  3. Are you picking a fight with someone else’s goals for you? Sometimes failure to reach a goal may be a way of exerting control. Consider carefully if a goal that is really good for you is the smart place to dig in and take a stand for independence…maybe your healthy libertarian streak would be better served taking a stand somewhere else, than resisting making a change that is medically advisable or spiritually essential.

Hoping to chime in often with short, sweet and psychologically healthy changes to make 2016 a great year!

Dr. Lori Puterbaugh

© 2016

Posts are for information and entertainment purposes only and should not be construed to be therapeutic advice. If you are in need of mental health assistance, please contact a licensed professional in your area.

 

Fun with Happiness

We went to Mt. Dora, FL for a couple of days’ getaway and had visited the wonderful used-and-new book store, Barrel of Books and Games, twice before 24 hours passed. I have been devouring the insightful and fun, The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. So many take-aways, starting with (for her) “Be Gretchen.” In other words, don’t try to force yourself to be happy by being/doing/pursuing what makes other people happy. Sounds obvious, but trust me, from this side of the therapy couch, that’s not what usually happens. Most people are not busy being themselves, they are miserably plodding away trying to be someone else. They run, or spin, or meditate, or work longer hours, because other people claim it makes them happier. It might not be making the person in question happier, but darn it, it’s supposed to…so there they go.

Today I was being myself. I went for a walk, went to church, and, having the morning “off” before an afternoon and evening seeing clients, had fun writing the bulk of an article on family therapy and national politics (yeah, that’s hard to explain – a post for another day), working on a large graphite still life, and picking out clothes to donate. My husband asked me, “Weren’t you going to kick back this morning?” Well, I was kicking back…being me. Someone else has her version of a chilled-out morning, and I have mine.

When you are being you, what’s different?

How much time today did you spend being someone else?

 

Dr. Lori Puterbaugh

© 2015

Posts are for information and entertainment purposes only and should not be construed to be therapeutic advice. If you are in need of mental health assistance, please contact a licensed professional in your area.

The Change Challenge

Everyone wants to make changes. New Year’s Eve fast approaches, and with it, lots of resolving to make changes. Statistically, we hear that most resolutions are cast aside within days. What’s going on?

I find that people make three major mistakes when they prepare for change. See if one, or more of these, sounds familiar to you.

  1. You want change – instantly! Your short attention span means that investing in a process that takes time and sustained effort seems “stupid” or “pointless.” You are unwilling to accept that change takes time. You’ve heard stories about people having some sort of lightbulb moment and then they assert that “everything changed.” Yeah, well, that was the summary. Even if someone can indeed name their “pivot point” or the “a-ha!” moment when they realized change was necessary, or when they knew they’d “hit bottom,” or whatever term they’re using for realizing they need to make a change rather than ride along passively through life, letting change happen to them by default, it’s only the beginning. Actual change simply takes time, and as we all know, our culture is not big on the taking-a-long-time “thing.” We want change, now. Well, I have run many marathons and I never did figure out how to finish any of them in more than one step at a time. There did not seem to be an alternative route to getting the job done.

 

  1. You telescope – and then give up without trying. The flip side to the craving for instant change is a curious phenomenon that I call “telescoping.” You look ahead to a distant goal and see the end performance up close – as if it must happen imminently. Since you’re clearly unprepared to do what’s required at the end (yet), you give up on it. Well, the goal is distant for a reason. The process of getting closer to the goal prepares you for it. This is why freshmen write 2000 word papers and doctoral students write 300+ page dissertations, and it’s why little kids have training wheels and their parents have more gears than they have fingers to count them.

 

  1. You don’t understand that “change” means “change.” You don’t realize that making changes will change you in ways you cannot know for certain until you look back, later. For example, if someone decides to eat more healthily, s/he is simply not able to really understand the many subtle and not-so-subtle ways in which this decision will create change. The numbers on the scale are, frankly, the least of it. Addicted to salty snack foods (salt does indeed hit the brain’s dopamine/reward system quite effectively!) and packaged sweet baked goods, the new eating habit feels like punishment. At first, they resent the terrible restrictions placed on them (by choice) as deeply as a preschooler denied dessert over unfinished green beans. Every day, of every future year, will be, it seems, a torturous process in which they will be denied the cheesy poofs and sugar bombs they crave. They are unaware that eating better foods will change THEM, not just their weight. They cannot see that the person they will be in three months will not be the same person bitterly having almonds for a snack instead of a bag of salty, deep-fried crunchy things. In 3 or 6 months, they will sleep better. They will think more clearly because, finally getting the nutrients it craves, their brain can build new connections, repair old ones, and improve its efficiency. They will have more energy, and their taste buds will probably have recovered so that more nuances besides “salty” and “sweet” are available…but in their imagination, their future self somehow merely “looks better” but has undergone no interior change whatsoever. Their beautiful shell will be angrily chomping on a salad but look fabulous doing so.

Of course, some people do all of the above: they want change to be instant and are utterly terrified at what that change means as if they have to do it all now. They want to “be different,” on the one hand, right now, and seem unable to grasp that making changes will change them.

When you consider making a change, do you fear the initial process? The “sacrifice?” Do you worry the effort won’t be worth it, or do you telescope and, unprepared for the advanced part of the process, immediately discount your capacity to meet the challenge?

Whatever your change-challenge might be, it’s helpful to read the stories of people who made tremendous changes, and talk to people whose achievements you admire. Find out about the doubts, first steps, challenges, etc. See if they, too, wondered about being able to reach their goals, or felt awkward taking the steps towards a goal that seemed so far away and unachievable.

What are you going to change?

Dr. Lori Puterbaugh

© 2015

Posts are for information and entertainment purposes only and should not be construed to be therapeutic advice. If you are in need of mental health assistance, please contact a licensed professional in your area.

Bigger kids, bigger headaches: When big kids misbehave in public

A few weeks ago, I made some suggestions for handling little ones and their misbehaving in public. Ultimately, little kids are easy: if all else fails, they’re portable, and you can carefully carry them out if they are truly having a meltdown. Bigger kids have more ways to be upsetting. Whether they refuse to put down their phones during a restaurant meal or behave in a whiny, inappropriate way on shopping outings, it’s more embarrassing because we like to think they’re old enough to know better and if they don’t, maybe it reflects on us! It’s also annoying because we are sure we’ve had this conversation all-too-many times already.

Our consequences should make sense in a real-world sense. The closer our consequences reflect the real world in which our children will have to survive as adults, the better. We grownups also have to stay calm; if we “lose it,” they feel as if they’ve won.

Let’s take a typical early-teen child who, at a family outing for dinner, refuses to put down the phone or, when pressed to do so, acts as if we are being totally ridiculous and unfair. Eye-rolling and sarcasm abound; responses are grunts or rude. Stay calm, grownups.

Consider this three-step process:

  1. When you arrive home, calmly state you are disappointed in (describe particular choices the child made, avoiding global criticism) and will decide what to do about this at another time. For example, instead of berating your child’s generic “rudeness” calmly delineate the offenses: grunted at the wait staff; refused to put down the telephone when asked; rolled eyes during Grace, etc. Then let it go. Refuse to engage in further discussion and do not yield to pressure to make a consequence now. Your child wants to act now because you will be behaving out of frustration, which means that the effort to anger you was successful, and, in your anger, you are apt to give a harsh consequence which you will soon retract. Double victory for youth!
  2. Plan another, similar outing soon. At the time it happens, let your child know she is not invited to come along. This is a natural consequence. If your romantic partner, or friends, or boss, took you out for a meal and you grunted, rolled your eyes and were sarcastic, you would not be invited again. You don’t have to make a big speech: just say the child was not fun company last time and you intend to have fun this time.
  3. Step 3 is harder: your child has demonstrated (via the behavior last time you had an outing together) an inability to make good choices. Therefore, your teenage child cannot be left home alone. This means hiring a baby sitter. It is unfair for you to pay for the sitter; you, after all, are not the one misbehaving in public. So, extract the payment from your child. If he doesn’t have cash on hand, take custody of some prized possession, render the child a pawnshop type receipt, and let him earn it back later. This is a natural consequence. If I incur an expense, I have to cover it.

Your child will be very unhappy with you. S/he will say you are mean, or this is stupid. Oh, well! The folks at the Love and Logic Institute would suggest you sort of agree, with a calm, cheery, “Maybe so!” Refuse to get mad; your refusal to get angry keeps you in charge.

Then go out for dinner. Enjoy your meal without cell phones, eye rolling, etc. Do NOT bring home a takeout meal for the child left at home. Do not rub it in; just be matter of fact. This is the real world. Our job is to prepare our child to cope with reality. This is a soft version of the lost jobs, lost relationships, arrests or unpleasant reactions from friends that await the adult who cannot behave properly in public.

Dr. Lori Puterbaugh

© 2015

Posts are for information and entertainment purposes only and should not be construed to be therapeutic advice. If you are in need of mental health assistance, please contact a licensed professional in your area.

Are you settling for 10%?

Why settle for 10%?

Sometimes 10% is just right.

God wants 10%. I can live with that.

The IRS wants WAY more than God, and we have to live with that…but it makes us sad.

When it comes to brain power, there’s that myth that “the average person only uses 10% of their brain!” Is that true? Scientists don’t think so, but it makes for good science fiction, when the occasional person is somehow altered to become a combination Einstein-Terminator. The subtle bias that being super-smart means being a freak isn’t lost on us, Hollywood.

It turns out, though, that perfectly normal people, in the absence of script-writers and special effects, can, via disciplined, deliberate effort, substantially – and I mean by up much more than 100 times – improve the speed and efficiency of their neural connections.  Here’s how that works (my apologies to neuroscientists for my gross oversimplification).

First, a little background on our nervous systems.

We have two major categories of nerve cells. Neurons are the ones everyone’s heard of: they’re usually referred to and people often don’t know that any other sort of nerve cell exists. Glial cells are the other kind. Most people haven’t heard of them but the people that have are super-enthusiastic about how much they contribute to our brains. In rock music terms, neurons are the Kurt Cobains: everyone knows who they are and everyone thinks they are great. Glial cells are Chris Cornell: the true nervous system fanatics know how great glial cells are and can’t believe everyone else can’t see past neurons/Kurt (no disrespect to Kurt Cobain intended!). Then we have myelin: it’s made out of fat, particularly those healthy fats such as DHA and EPA. The more you work your brain, the fatter it gets. That’s good – really good.

So…You decide to master a new skill. You focus – hard. The kind of hard thinking that makes your brain tired. It doesn’t matter what sort of skill it might be: kids learning their multiplication tables, a pitcher learning to throw a 90-mph perfect strike, a musician mastering Rachmaninov. Focusing, making efforts, tuning into all the aspects of the activity. Tossing a ball back and forth absentmindedly doesn’t make you a better pitcher. Focusing on the whole body experience – is this foot an anchor or is that leg a spring that, coiled tightly, releases energy at what specific point in the throw? What does it feel like in rib cage, shoulder, elbow, wrist? How is this attempt a little different from the one before? That studied, deliberate focus lights up the neural connections related to that activity, throughout the brain. Over time, as those neurons fire over and over, the glial cells pay attention. Whatever connections are working hardest get glial cell TLC – in the form of extra myelin. Glial cells wrap myelin, that white, fatty substance, around neurons, making the neurons more and more efficient. One hopes, at this point, that the person trying to develop expertise is eating a healthy diet with the right sorts of fats to support this brain development and getting enough sleep. (Consult your physician on this.) Over time, this intense process can improve the speed of the neural connections by up to 100 times! As the neural connection benefits from the support of the myelin, speeding up its efficiency, another change happens: the individual nerve cells themselves become faster by reducing their refractory period (that little, nano-second of rest/resetting between firings) by up to 30%. Factor that into the extra pace of the connections and, well…you do the math. You are upping your brain power by a tremendous amount in this area of interest.

What’s even more exciting is that our options for doing this are a wide-open window: you can go ahead and decide to devote the necessary focus and energy to many areas of interest over a life time, and, given overall health, a good diet and clean living, your brain will continue to dutifully respond to the demands you put on it.

Physical strength training benefits people in their 90s (yes, you read that right) and this sort of brain training – the kind people make naturally when they are interested and self-motivated – likewise can be a lifetime escapade of growth, challenge and fun.

Are you settling for 10%?

 

Dr. Lori Puterbaugh

© 2015

Posts are for information and entertainment purposes only and should not be construed to be therapeutic advice. If you are in need of mental health assistance, please contact a licensed professional in your area.

 

Lodge Act Soldiers

This piece was originally published in USA Today Magazine, May 2015.

The Lodge Act Soldiers:

The Mural and the Portrait

 

Sometimes, the enemy of my enemy is not my friend. There are many times when, at best, the enemy of my enemy is a useful but dangerous tool: geopolitics on a razor’s edge, perhaps. This often is the case at the macro level. At other times, perhaps more often on a micro level, the enemy of my enemy is indeed a loyal friend.

In 1945, when World War II ended, it was expected that peace would prevail: in the US, the “boys” came home. In Europe, the prison camps were flung open, British children were sent home to London (if homes and parents were still there), and the Marshall Plan was implemented to show mercy and bring the vanquished back from the medieval stage to which they’d been bombed. There was not, however, then as in the oh-so-recent past, to be “peace in our time.” Russia had succeeded in encroaching far into Europe and was in no hurry to surrender those advances. Far from peace, there was instead a very apparent intention to pick up where Hitler had failed, spreading a mantle of totalitarian slavery wherever feasible.

March, 1946: Sir Winston Churchill spoke unapologetically about the dire threat to peace and liberty that was the Soviet Union, unsheathing a previously rarely-used phrase – the Iron Curtain – to summarize its implacable, impenetrable seal against freedom. Nations that ostensibly had freedom were punished for daring to reject communism. A striking example of this, just two years after Churchill’s Iron Curtain speech, was the punishment of West Berlin by the Soviets known as the Berlin Blockade. In this case, the US and Great Britain responded in force, first via small efforts – Operation Plainfare and Operation Little Vittals, and then with a months-long show of force and generosity via an airlift that was, as General Tunner had intended, “…on a beat as constant as a jungle drum.” The relentless rhythm came at a price of military and civilian lives, but ended in a rare and predictably graceless Soviet backtracking…for the time being. Communist states accept rejection with all the irrational fury of a woman scorned, and with a sociopath’s capacity to wait, endlessly, for the opportunity for revenge.

It was clear to anyone paying attention that the worldwide vision of communism held by the Russians was as malignant as the state-based socialism of Nazi Germany, and the urgency to fight the toxic tentacles on one hand drew up in sharp contrast to war-weariness and distrust of anything associated with the enemy on the other. Something needed to be done, despite the desperate drive to maintain a buoyant mood at home and the desire to put war and its ugliness far behind us.

August, 2014: a slim, short obituary appears in the local papers, with a small photo, apparently cut from a larger one, of a soldier’s face: all planes and angles, alert, but with the slightest pull of humor in the mouth. This is MSgt. Jan Janosik of the US Army special forces, and he passed away at home, at age 82, following a long military career (22 years), and a subsequent career with the Hillsborough County (FL) Sheriff’s department and then with the Florida Department of Corrections. He entered the US Army via the Lodge Act. Except for a listing of a few of his medals, and his wife, children and grandchildren, there is nothing else mentioned.

If Janosik had been killed while driving drunk the wrong way on an interstate, we would have known more about him; if he had been notorious for some dastardly deed, or perhaps a gold-hearted local philanthropist, a reporter would have given him a half-page write-up. As it was, and is, someone who merits the big write-up would have been uncomfortable with the spotlight, and an individual deserving of our regard and reflection appears in a tiny notice. Real soldiers are not attention-seekers, and Special Forces members are reserved about their work. They do not do what they do for applause. They seek to serve. In the case of a Lodge Act soldier, the desire to serve is for a love of freedom that surpasses anything else, and transmits itself into sacrifice for a country that is not one’s own.

June 1950: A much-neglected aspect of 20th century American history is the Lodge-Philbin Act, most often referred to simply as the Lodge Act, passed in June 1950. The Lodge Act permitted the recruitment of Eastern European nationals into a specialized fighting force, under the jurisdiction of the US Armed Forces, to fight the spread of communism during the Cold War. Although the Russians had been, ostensibly, an ally during WWII it was only due to a shared animus towards Germany, not actual shared values. Indeed, it did not take long to figure out that Russia was not happy returning to its own borders and to peace; instead, the mission to achieve worldwide socialism, rather than the nationalistic socialism of Hitler’s Germany, went into overdrive. Communism doesn’t tend to work out very well for the little person…and it does not work out well, as it turns out, for great people, either.

In 1951, 19-years-old Slovak Jan Janosik was working as a border guard on the Czechoslovakian/German border. He desperately wished to leave the control of the Communist state, but the price to his family for his defection would be grave. Yet they gave their blessing to his plan, and he and a friend were able to escape. In punishment for Jan’s defection, his family members were dispossessed of their property and sent into prison camps. A death sentence was placed on young Jan. Meanwhile, the two young friends were on the way to West Germany and freedom.

The strangulating grasp of Communism does not release easily, whether on a nation or on the individual. One day, having finally reached Berlin, they stood on a sidewalk, waiting to cross the street. A car pulled up, a window rolled partway down. The muzzle of a gun appeared, bullets flew, and the car sped off. When it was over in mere seconds, Jan was alive; his friend was not. Jan’s determination to achieve freedom, and to fight communism, was even more deeply etched.

The Lodge Act, with its offer of freedom and US citizenship, sounded like a dream: switch teams, spend five years and earn your freedom. It was not as easy as it sounds. The Act allowed only for a relatively small fighting force; Eisenhower was not in favor of “mercenaries,” recalling how poorly the integration of mercenaries had worked for the Roman Empire. The US Army could afford to be, and needed to be, very selective. The young men admitted under the Lodge Act were expected to be able to work within the enemy’s territory, to blend in and help bring down Communism from within its own cage. Someone with Janosik’s abilities (he spoke four languages; English became the fifth) and capacity to work and learn, was highly valued. The next challenge would be to learn English and become an American soldier.

A great many Lodge Act recruits were sent to Fort Devens, MA, for Army basic training as well as training in English and American culture. It was a combination boot camp and rapid acculturation into their newly chosen country. The USO helped out in many ways, including hosting the dances that were part of the introduction to American culture. It was at such a dance that young Janosik met Josie, a petite, bright-eyed Sicilian-American girl who came to the dance with a group of girlfriends. The girls regularly went to dances as a group; there was safety in numbers and it was good, wholesome fun. This dance was different: Jan and Josie each went home convinced they’d met their soulmates (her mother was skeptical). Jan and Josie married a year later.

“We didn’t really speak much of the same language when we met but we managed,” she says now, smiling. “When you want to, you make it work,” and her expressive, Sicilian shrug and graceful hand gestures underscore her words. The dancing that began at that USO event went on for years: jitterbug, waltz, polka – all types of dancing, all types of music. The passionate and playful dancing seems to contradict the no-nonsense, serious soldier and father, but the playful side slipped out again, as so often is the case, with his beloved grandchildren.

The next stage of life took them both away from Massachusetts. Janosik was assigned to Airborne training and volunteered for Special Forces training at Fort Bragg, NC. This fit the circumstances: the point of the Lodge Act was to recruit fit, bright, skilled young men who would be able to function within unconventional warfare. There were to be no routine duties once basic training and basic acculturation were completed.

So, the young newlyweds rented a small trailer off-base at the then-exorbitant price of $35/month and each coped with the culture shock of finding themselves in an environment markedly different from where they’d been. There were not a lot of Catholic girls from Massachusetts; there were not many Slovakian immigrants. Nevertheless, they made friends: the fiercely loyal friendships of military family life. Many significant events soon followed: Jan’s successfully passing the citizenship test, the birth of three children, and ongoing training and assignments to Special Forces teams. Josie Janosik recalls today the closeness of the families and their mutual support, as well as the obligation of the wives to be appropriately vague about their husbands’ work, of which they knew appropriately very little. As it is today, the military spouse who attempted to gain sympathy and attention via borrowing a glint of glamour from the husband’s dangerous work received the disapprobation of her peers. Even so, they were all in it together, and, at least for Josie and their children, Jan always came home. Not everyone was so fortunate, and in those sad cases, the close community gathered to provide care.

Recall that the Lodge Act required five years of service. By 1957, young Janosik had met the requirement. He continued to serve, finally ending his career after 22 years – a full 17 years beyond his required commitment. Almost half of Janosik’s service was performed as overseas assignments. He was not alone: other Lodge Act soldiers, notably Larry Thorne (born Lauri Torni in Finland) also served through the Viet Nam War.

The Lodge Act soldiers have had counterparts throughout history, but in the US wars from the mid-20th century through the current day, what was is sometimes mislabeled (or libeled?) as “irregular” warfare includes the imperative to involve the local population. At risk are not merely small territorial spats but world-changing battles between ideologies. Thus, for example, American soldiers in Laos and in Viet Nam were involved in close collaboration with local personnel, and it was through such a relationship that Janosik earned his treasured “Tiger Tooth” award from his Cambodian troops. Modern efforts during Operation Enduring Freedom and Operation Iraqi Freedom similarly engaged local populations in the effort.

It is undoubtedly a great challenge to sort out who, in the local population, may and may not be trusted and to what degree. On the home front, meanwhile, it has become increasingly difficult to enlist sufficient volunteers who are healthy and fit for service among US citizens. It is also difficult to find families that are encouraging of military service. The general resistance to either a military draft or mandatory national service in some other capacity was underscored by the repetitive proposals by Rep. Charles Rangel (Dem, NY) commencing in 2003 to reinstate such a draft or mandatory service – which he, and almost everyone else in Congress, regularly refused to support with an “aye” vote. It might hardly have mattered: some studies indicate as many as 75% of age-eligible young men in the US are not able to meet the standards. At least 29% are obese; many others have criminal records, psychiatric records (including the ubiquitous medications for that bugaboo of American boyhood, ADHD), large visible tattoos, and drug use histories and/or cannot score adequately on the basic entrance test, the Armed Services Vocational Aptitude Battery (ASVAB). A WWII draft panel would have been stymied by an effort in which 75% of those called up were 4-F. Of course, as the size of the military shrinks, recruiting efforts can become more discriminating. The selectivity of the military in regards to the Lodge Act soldiers has a modern parallel in the MAVNI recruits (Military Accessions Vital to the National Interest), in which highly educated (29% with masters’ degree or higher) and skilled US-resident foreign nationals are recruited into the US military.

The US Army was in a position to be discriminating when recruiting men under the Lodge Act. The efforts made by most applicants simply to present themselves as candidates were a test of intelligence, will, stamina and survival skills. Some journeyed hundreds of miles, on foot, while being pursued, and endured beatings, being jailed, and physical deprivations of various sorts just trying to apply. They were determined, earnest, and deadly serious. Yet any one of them could have been merely an agent for the Soviets, who had, after all, been indoctrinating their children to despise the West and its evil, abusive capitalist system from their earliest years. Perhaps some were, in fact, spies in the making, like sleeper-jihadists working alongside our military in present-day war zones.

Others were entirely sincere in their love of freedom, and these include M.Sgt. Jan Janosik, recipient of the Silver Star, Bronze Star, Air Medal, Purple Heart…and the Cambodian “Tiger Tooth.”

 

Checkout Lane Tantrums: Quick, Easy, Healthy Fix (seriously!)

Oh, those checkout line tantrums. Parents dread them. Your child starts making demands, you say no, and suddenly you feel trapped between giving in and standing your ground. Everyone seems to be staring at you with disapproval. Your heart is pounding and you start to fear you are going to lose control. You wonder if you will see yourself on the 10 o’clock news as some sort of example of “worst parent of the year,” and meanwhile, your beloved child is on the floor, turning purple and announcing, loudly, how much you are hated.

Wouldn’t it be great to have a near-magical approach that helped you feel more in control, and helped your child develop necessary psychological skills, like having words for feelings, delaying gratification and enjoying anticipatory pleasure?

First, don’t worry about most of those gawking fellow-shoppers. Either they haven’t raised children (in which case, they can’t know what it’s actually like) or they empathize, so let that go.

Second, put yourself in your child’s place.

You: “I could really go for a steak.”

Other adult: “No, it’s Friday. You don’t want a steak. You want a tuna sandwich.”

You: “Seriously, I really, really want a steak.”

It’s annoying to have someone tell you what you want. Of course you know what you want. You may also know (as in the case of steak on Friday) that it’s not going to happen; that doesn’t negate you wanting it. Just so, the fact that it’s not convenient, or it’s almost dinner, or any other perfectly sound reason not to have candy right now does not make your child’s desire magically disappear.

Third, apply.

Child: “I want candy!”

You: (no sarcasm) “Really, right now?”

Child: “YES!”

You: (calm, maybe coming down to child’s level by squatting, and using a gentle voice), “I know you want candy. I want candy, too, but it’s not time for candy right now.” (You are acknowledging the feeling rather than telling the child how s/he feels)

Child: “But I like candy.”

You: (still calm, still empathetic): “Yeah, it’s sad (or disappointing, or whatever word suits) when I can’t get what I want. I bet it makes you a little sad, too.” (You are helping label the emotion and normalizing it: other people feel it, other people can understand)

Child: (maybe more disappointed than mad at this point) “But I really, really want candy.”

You: (still quiet and calm) “Me, too! So…on Friday, when it’s payday and REAL grocery shopping day, we should each pick out candy. When we come on Friday, what kind of candy will you pick?”

Most of the time, children respond well to this, just as we would to someone understanding our disappointment in not being able to have what we want. We wouldn’t want someone telling us we “didn’t want that job, anyway,” or, “that house/car/college wasn’t right for you, anyhow,” and kids don’t appreciate having their feelings dismissed, either.

It takes practice and consistency to make those checkout lane tantrums disappear. A kid with a healthy memory and strong willpower (both excellent traits that are challenging to learn to manage) may persist in demands, or occasionally, after a period of no problems, suddenly restart the behavior. This is normal; just go back to the acknowledge/label/normalize/teach process and be patient. Another time, we’ll talk about how to handle the situations where a bigger child – older than four or five – becomes super-difficult in public.

Dr. Lori Puterbaugh

© 2015

Posts are for information and entertainment purposes only and should not be construed to be therapeutic advice. If you are in need of mental health assistance, please contact a licensed professional in your area.

What else don’t they know?

September 12, 2015

Yesterday was, of course, September 11. The news media is overflowing with pathetic interviews with people who have no clue what September 11 was about: I heard young college students interviewed who, when asked what 9/11 was about, offered, “George Bush must have done something wrong,” or supposed, “Uh, I don’t know. I probably should, huh?” (Yes, yes you should.) It’s very tempting to assume that these interviews were somehow picked to make Americans look dumb, like nighttime comedy shows are wont to do.

Maybe it wasn’t so hard to find ignorance. A friend was putting American flags out across the front of his property in the early morning yesterday, when a high school kid came by on his skateboard, heading for school. The boy asked why the flags today, and when S. referenced September 11, the boy did not understand. S. could only shrug, shake his head, and suggest the boy talk to his parents.

Did this happen on December 7, 1955? Were bobby soxers so busy rocking around the clock that they were oblivious to history? Would their adults have allowed them to be? In 1977, would any American high school students have been stunned to learn that a president had been assassinated 14 years before?

I find it fascinating that 14 years ago, I had to explain to people (repeatedly) that they were overexposing their small children to imagery of 9/11. Now I have to wonder why they are protecting their bigger children from knowing about basic events of history – even history that happened in the child’s lifetime.

Maybe it’s something to talk about.

 

Dr. Lori Puterbaugh

© 2015

Posts are for information and entertainment purposes only and should not be construed to be therapeutic advice. If you are in need of mental health assistance, please contact a licensed professional in your area.

The Invisibles

August 29, 2015

The Invisibles

In David Zweig’s new book, The Invisibles, he explores the rich environment of those whose dedication to excellence and satisfaction in their work so often hides behind the scenes…and yet is essential to the lifestyle we enjoy. Examples are fact-checkers, anesthesiologists, and structural engineers. Who, for example, praises structural engineers, or pays them any attention whatsoever – until something goes dreadfully wrong? It’s a deep and interesting read, and well worth one’s time.

There are many of these Invisibles. In fact, a great deal of normal, daily life comprises settling into the role of the Invisible. Consider, for example, the many household duties that must be done and yet fade into invisibility. No one really notices the spouse who, besides holding down a job, drops off and picks up the dry cleaning, buys groceries and makes sure the right items are available for meals and snacks, tends to bill-paying, drops off and picks up children at school and aftercare, packs lunches, checks book bags and furtively checks to see if little toothbrushes have really been used. However, if the other spouse does an unusually good job of tidying up the yard and throws in a bit of extra landscaping – some pavers there, a new pot of herbs here – no doubt the neighbors will toss some praise. The yard work was visible. All that other stuff is background noise.

Of course, the errand-runner ought not to be doing errands to garner praise, and the yard-keeper likewise. Let’s face it, we shouldn’t get the Parent of the Year award for making sure five-year-olds brush their teeth. Adults should be able to accept, with grace, the inevitable invisibility but also seek and honor the invisible, and visible, efforts of our loved ones. It’s not easy to find the time to seek the invisible when you feel overworked and underappreciated yourself. I’ve advised clients in this position to make a list (ostensibly for themselves but also as a family-education tool) of the many tasks that have to be done daily, several times weekly, weekly, bi-weekly and monthly, and post that in the kitchen. It will help them stay organized, and it often generates interest, surprise and then sincere helpfulness in the spouse.

“What’s all this?” (Suspiciously)

“Oh, it’s the stuff I have to keep track of; my therapist suggested I make a list.”

“Holy cannoli, you’ve been doing ALL THIS?”

“Yeah.” (No sarcasm allowed here!)

“Well, what can I do to help? I had no idea all this stuff was going on.” (Here, resist the urge to say, “Well, how the heck do you THINK your dry cleaning got done, the litter box was scooped and your mom’s birthday gift made it to the post office?” That would just generate a contest on who rightfully feels more unappreciated. Odds are, you are both missing opportunities left and right to express appropriate gratitude).

Sometimes, people don’t realize how much invisible work their spouse has been doing until they have been widowed. Then, all the unnoticed tasks their husband or wife did become glaringly obvious. It can be overwhelming and even worse – a big source of guilt for not appreciating all those small, thoughtful, invisible contributions to daily life.

So…look for the invisible and say thank you.

Dr. Lori Puterbaugh

© 2015

Posts are for information and entertainment purposes only and should not be construed to be therapeutic advice. If you are in need of mental health assistance, please contact a licensed professional in your area.

Water, Judgment and Stuff

Sometimes Mother Nature takes a swipe at our stuff, and we find out what’s important and what’s not.

We had a little water in our basement – the ground was so saturated from 2+ feet of rain in a few weeks that water began oozing through concrete blocks. After some initial dismay (Really? This is the moment the shop vac decides to die?), I felt relief at some items not damaged and indifferent to most that were. The truth was, I was more than a little relieved to be able to be rid of some of that stuff. Do you have those things, too – piles of stuff that have accumulated and are neither treasured nor useful?

It’s an interesting mental exercise: if a natural disaster took a bunch of my stuff, what would I be most relieved to find still intact, in the wreckage? I suspect that in a real disaster, I would be grateful for anything that was a link to a swept-away past. Any photo, any old Christmas ornament, would be precious under those circumstances.

Flashes of insight come relatively easily; change, not so easily. After the realization that I was not sad that some old drawings and paintings are gone, and realizing how little I really cared about a lot of stuff I’d accumulated, life rolled on and I did nothing substantive to reduce the clutter.

Not content to let me congratulate myself on my bit of awareness, I was given a dream. In my dream, I was dead and being judged, and the Lord took me into my closet and pointed to the many clothes I rarely wore and gently asked me why I still had them when others needed them? Each tired shirt and sweater, dusty on a forgotten hanger, was a reproach against my selfishness and oblivion to others’ needs. Dickens’ Marley was weighed down with chains of money boxes; I fear I will drag chains of little-worn clothing, books and kitsch. It is time, once again, to start purging: cabinets, closets, overflowing shelves. There is a big box next to the closet – 2 x 2 x 3 – and it is rapidly filling with “stuff” that I hope someone really can use.

I am still not exactly grateful for that half-inch of stinky water in my basement, but thanks…I got the hint, and this time, I hope, it will stick.

Dr. Lori Puterbaugh

© 2015

Posts are for information and entertainment purposes only and should not be construed to be therapeutic advice. If you are in need of mental health assistance, please contact a licensed professional in your area.