Well…something’s crazy (but it’s probably not us)

Yesterday I attended the Florida Adlerian Society’s annual conference; it runs for three days but I was only able to commit to one. It was a great day: wonderful speakers, challenging information, and, of course, the warm and friendly Adlerians in attendance.

Adler is one of the great founders of psychotherapy, but often is relegated to a corner with a few remarks about birth order and maybe credit for starting the child guidance movement. He’s much more than that, and if you’re curious, visit www.alfredadler.org.

An interesting point made during yesterday’s talks was the evolution of bereavement in psychiatry over the past few decades.   The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders is the American Psychiatric Association’s published list of descriptions of various patterns of symptoms. The intention, back in the early 1980s and DSM-III, was to provide a structure for shared dialogue and research for the identified hypothesized mental disorders. No one was pretending these were all clearly identifiable and diagnosable, discrete brain diseases. In the DSM-III days, bereavement, as a category, covered up to a two year long period. If a grieving person was still sad more often than not, still struggling with aspects of grief and getting back to a (new) normal life, mental health professionals figured, depending on the relationship, two years was a reasonable time frame. Of course, some losses never heal – but people somehow figure out how to go on, just the same. The point is, no sensible person thought it was pathological to still have some regular bouts of tearfulness a year or more after your most beloved person died.

In 1994, the next edition of the DSM came along, DSM-IV. It gave people two months – not two years – to get over it and move on. If not – if the person was still crying, or numb, or having appetite and/or sleep disturbances, or otherwise met the minimum criteria for depression…well, that meant that bereavement was over and the person was now diagnosable with a major mental disorder – depression – which was now sometimes described as a permanent brain disease.

In 2013, the DSM-5 was published (note that the change from Roman numerals to integers was done by the APA – it’s not a typo on my part). The DSM-5 got rid of the bereavement issue entirely: now you get two weeks of being sad more days than not, plus the other possible symptoms, and you’re mentally ill with depression (according to the APA). There is no exception for bereavement, although it ought to be noted on the chart. One rationale provided, about which I’ve written in the past, is that this way people can get their health insurer to cover their grief counseling. Whether this makes it worthwhile to pathologize normal grief, I leave each reader to consider.

Are you mentally ill if you have trouble eating or sleeping, or burst into tears almost daily, two weeks after someone you dearly love passes away? I don’t know anyone who thinks so, but the manual that has become the healthcare provider’s and insurer’s standard frames it so.

 

Dr. Lori Puterbaugh

© 2016

Posts are for information and entertainment purposes only and should not be construed to be therapeutic advice. If you are in need of mental health assistance, please contact a licensed professional in your area.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy: So Much More than Positive Thinking

It’s more than just positive thinking

A smart, thoughtful person mentioned the other day, in conversation, that Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) seems to be just “the power of positive thinking.” That’s probably what it sounds like when it gets boiled down to a sound bite…but in reality, it’s so much more. There are many excellent resources out there, so I won’t attempt to tackle the whole topic here. A brief example, though, on the difference between CBT and simple positive thinking, might help.

In CBT, we are indeed looking for patterns of negative thinking. These are identified, and then we dig down to the underlying thoughts. From there, the challenging and reforming of particular thoughts begins. Then comes the hard work of rehearsing those new thoughts.

Consider, for example, an adult who is very anxious about grades in college. This student is up late studying, preoccupied with grades, and anxious to the point of headaches and nausea before tests. The student feels terrible, of course. The top layer of thinking probably includes themes such as, “I have to do well,” or, “This is too important to fail.” The level of distress the client feels, though, seems out of proportion; the client is sick and nauseated over A- or B+ grades. Digging deeper, the client turns out to have buried beliefs such as, “Perfect or failure – no in-between,” or, “Hero or zero,” or, “No one loves a loser.” Thus, the A- feels like a failure and even a threat to love and security. Those aren’t conscious thoughts: no reasonable grownup thinks, “Oh, no one can love me because I got an A-!” It’s more of a personal belief, often acquired early in life, which became the background to many experiences.

You can see that trying to be “positive” about the top layer thoughts might seem silly: “Oh, it’s fine to fail,” or, “It’s OK for me to not do well.” The client cannot buy into that. However, a deeply held belief – that one is either perfect or a complete and utter failure – merits serious attention, and probably underlies many difficulties for this client. Thus CBT starts it work – which is much more complex than presented here – by seeking the foundational troubling beliefs that are leading to the negative thinking.

As I noted – this is a cursory glance at one aspect of CBT. It is a well-researched method of treating anxiety, OCD, depression, and other difficulties. If it seems as if it might be helpful for you, please see appropriate professional guidance.

Dr. Lori Puterbaugh

© 2016

Posts are for information and entertainment purposes only and should not be construed to be therapeutic advice. If you are in need of mental health assistance, please contact a licensed professional in your area.

Letting Children be Children

Is having a healthy, happy childhood a good thing? Is it important to have that foundation in order to be a productive, healthy and happy adult? All of us would agree that, “Well, duh. Of course.” Well, of course…yet, around the world, it seems that the short-lived glorification of childhood as a separate, sacred stage of life (in many ways a 20th century movement) is crumbling away.

In some European nations, 14 year olds have attained the age of consent to sexual activity with adults. Here in the US, they aren’t expected to remember their homework and thus teachers must dutifully post assignments on a school website so parents can check. For the record: 14 year olds can remember homework. Try breaking a promise about a privilege and see how good their memory actually is. The same child, however, is not capable of informed consent. They are not equipped to really understand long-term consequences due to brain development.

In the Netherlands, a 12 year old who is seriously ill – and consider that here, an awful lot of parents don’t expect 12 year old children to do chores or remember their own shin guards for soccer – can petition a judge to be euthanized due to illness. Their parents get to choose whether to grant permission up until age 16. That means that a 17 year old can petition to be medically killed. The same child might not be able to follow through on a college admission essay, or otherwise exhibit normal responsibility, but somehow their request to die ought to be treated as a perfectly normal legal procedure.

In our own country, about 9% of children have been diagnosed with ADHD and are being treated with medications, most often powerful stimulant medications – a rate that dwarfs much of Europe’s less-than-1% rate for medicating children.

Psychologically and physically, children aren’t miniature adults, as was so often the view in the past, due to the physically challenging, dangerous life most humans lived over much of history. They need love, secure boundaries, and guidance in learning to make good choices as they mature. Where these needs are unmet, adult dysfunction, emotional distress and physical illnesses are apt to follow.

They definitely don’t need to make life-or-death decisions, or be exploited by bad adults, or otherwise be treated with an expectation that they are fully rational, insightful grownups.

 

Dr. Lori Puterbaugh

© 2016

Posts are for information and entertainment purposes only and should not be construed to be therapeutic advice. If you are in need of mental health assistance, please contact a licensed professional in your area.

 

Review: The Collapse of Parenting: How We Hurt Our Kids When We Treat Them Like Grownups, by Leonard Sax, M.D., Ph.D.

A friend recommended this book and this past weekend I read a large portion of it. It’s aimed at parents and others who are directly involved in raising children, and cites some pretty striking research about the negative outcomes of giving children more freedom and flexibility than they can handle. Children being given the control over their lives that ought to be reserved for responsible adults are far more likely to develop anxiety, depression and obesity; they have less attachment to their families and adults in general, and are more likely to turn to peers for advice. Their peers, of course, are not apt to know any more than them about making wise choices about life.

It’s a conundrum for some: after all, kids have to learn how to make choices, but they can’t handle the full variety of options that many parents want to give them. Learning how to present a narrow, fair range of choices is, apparently, a challenge for parents who are desperate to be liked. This craving for their children’s approval underlies a lot of dysfunctional, but seemingly well-intended, parenting. I described a parent’s style as a “democracy” (the children are school age) and the parent took it as a compliment…as if being democratic with children, where no one is really in charge and knows best, was a good plan.

Do kids need choices? Absolutely. Do they need – or can they even handle – the full range of options that an adult might handle? Absolutely not.

For parents, teachers, grandparents and others who work with children, this book is a friendly, accessible but thoroughly footnoted guide.

Dr. Lori Puterbaugh

© 2016

Posts are for information and entertainment purposes only and should not be construed to be therapeutic advice. If you are in need of mental health assistance, please contact a licensed professional in your area.

Decisions, decisions!

Choices are good, right? Until they’re bad.

Too many choices becomes overwhelming. We can see the results of seemingly endless choices and information when we, or someone we know, gets lost in hours/days/weeks-long process of sorting through online reviews and information in the attempt to make a decision that might have been made over a dinner conversation twenty years ago. Grownups have problems with this, and yet so many parents inflict too many choices on their children.

It’s important for children to learn to make choices and endure the consequences in small, safe, age-appropriate doses. It’s also important for children to feel like the grownups are running the show. Offering opportunities to make choices – within defined parameters – and then sticking with those choices, are great learning experiences for children.

Consider asking a five-year-old:

“Would you like applesauce or yogurt for a snack?” versus, “What would you like for snack?”

What are the odds the child isn’t going to go for fruit or low-fat dairy and will instead choose something the parent wasn’t planning to provide? With so many modern parents afraid of upsetting their children and overly eager to have their children’s approval, children are left without anyone big and safe to place limits around their world. Temper tantrums, anxiety, and entitlement are often the results.

Children benefit from parameters and calm grownups being in charge. A calm, in-charge grownup can offer safe, appropriate opportunities to learn decision-making skills and learn to live with the consequences.

Dr. Lori Puterbaugh

© 2016

Posts are for information and entertainment purposes only and should not be construed to be therapeutic advice. If you are in need of mental health assistance, please contact a licensed professional in your area.

Way 29/Day 29: Make it a great year: Get better at recognizing trouble

In Toxic Mythology (© 2015), I spent one chapter discussing the difference between someone being “antisocial” and someone being introverted, quiet, or reserved. The terms are used interchangeably in non-psychology circles. Someone wants to stay home with a book instead of going out to a party, and their friends or family accuse them of being, “antisocial,” or, perhaps worse, a “Loner,” as if being naturally quiet was a dangerous character flaw leading, ineluctably, to pathology and dysfunction. Not so much.

As many of you know, “antisocial” is the newer term for what used to be called sociopathy or psychopathy. It means a person who is against (anti) society. The antisocial person (ASP, for short, here) feels no remorse or empathy and views others as merely a means to the ASP’s ends. Quiet/introverted people usually have very close relationships – with a few people. They like people, and they recharge their batteries via quiet times and discussions with one or a few, rather than many. An extrovert recharges by being around people. These traits are on a continuum; on one end is the rare, very highly introverted person; on the other, the rare, extremely extroverted person. We find most people closer to the middle, with a preference in one direct or the other. This is a biological trait, not something people pick.

Because ASPs can be charming, outgoing and generally fun to be around, a lot of people get fooled – and burned. Do some homework; learn to identify the warning signs that someone may be not as nice as they seem, and learn to differentiate between the kind, quiet person in your world and the person who is troubled and, possibly, troublesome.

That could make it a very, very good year!

Dr. Lori Puterbaugh

© 2016

Posts are for information and entertainment purposes only and should not be construed to be therapeutic advice. If you are in need of mental health assistance, please contact a licensed professional in your area.

Way 28/Day 28: Make it a great year: Corral those bup-ponies.

Oh, admit it.

You’ve got bup-ponies.

You don’t think so?

Ask a little kid about why they did something wrong. You’ll hear things like,

“Yeah, bup-pony, he hit me first.”

“Bup-pony, she started it.”

“Bup-pony, it’s too hard to (clean my room, do my homework, feed the cat, etc.).”

Well, grownups have bup-ponies but we think ours are all very sensible and realistic, not like those imaginary bup-ponies that kids have. We have reasons, not excuses; we are rational, not defensive…Bup-pony, sometimes our reasons are not as powerful as we imagine. They are fears and excuses playing dress-up.

So make it a great year; get a lasso on those bup-ponies.

Dr. Lori Puterbaugh

© 2016

Posts are for information and entertainment purposes only and should not be construed to be therapeutic advice. If you are in need of mental health assistance, please contact a licensed professional in your area.

Way 27/Day 27: Make it a great year: Realize that sometimes it really is “you” and not “them”

This is a trait to which we’re all susceptible. It’s someone else’s fault.

Eve blamed the serpent.

Adam blamed Eve and God (That woman that YOU put here…)

So, apparently, it’s human nature to have difficulties and look outside for the fault.

That’s often the case. We do indeed all live surrounded by difficult people. We each just happen to be one of them for everyone else.

If you have a pattern – or two, or three – of difficulties that crop up across places and people, yup, maybe that has more than a little something to do with you. Have a look at those and discern where you have a habit of behavior that is contributing to those problems. No doubt someone (or several someones) have tried, often unsuccessfully and perhaps at risk of being counter-attacked, to point these out to you.

Take some time to simmer on this and see if what emerges helps you make it a great year for you (and the people around you).

Dr. Lori Puterbaugh

© 2016

Posts are for information and entertainment purposes only and should not be construed to be therapeutic advice. If you are in need of mental health assistance, please contact a licensed professional in your area.

Way 26/Day 26: Make it a great year: Live “as if”

How many people do you know who are postponing what they supposedly want to do/be until some mystical, mythical event has transpired, or a change has happened?

They’ll get in shape…once they start smoking.

They’ll get along better as a family…once the last kid is through those messy teen years.

They’ll get back to reading/art/gardening when…something.

They’ll be able to take better care of themselves when the job/relationship/weather cooperates.

…and we all know that when the weather cooperates or the teenager grows up and goes to college, there will be some new reason that makes perfectly good sense, for why the couple barely speak or the smoking continues or the brain hasn’t been challenged by a new author in ten years.

Make it a great year by living as if:

Today, act as if your family gets along.

Today, act as if you are already taking better care of yourself.

Today, act as if you are actually preparing for some major change by doing one concrete, specific thing that gets you closer to that goal.

Make it a great day. Do that 366 times and you have a great (leap) year.

Dr. Lori Puterbaugh

© 2016

Posts are for information and entertainment purposes only and should not be construed to be therapeutic advice. If you are in need of mental health assistance, please contact a licensed professional in your area.

Way 25/Day 25: Make it a great year: Follow your own advice (or keep quiet)

Many people are really, really good at giving advice. (That doesn’t meant they are necessarily good at giving good advice, though!) Some of them keep their advice to themselves, but most people have pretty strong opinions about what other people ought to do –the way they drive, how to handle relationships, how to overcome bad habits…you name it.

If you think about the pattern of advice you either give or keep to yourself, you might notice a particular pattern, or a couple of patterns, are dominant. “Lighten up,” you grumble inside about a cranky boss, a whiny coworker or perpetually dissatisfied family member. “Get over it and move on; it’s probably for the best,” you urge the friend with the broken heart, the family member who didn’t get a promotion…

Maybe the advice is meant for you.

Often the traits that drive us craziest about others are the things we struggle against within ourselves.

Make it a great year; reflect on your own (perhaps silent) advice for others and how it fits something you need to take of within yourself.

Dr. Lori Puterbaugh

© 2016

Posts are for information and entertainment purposes only and should not be construed to be therapeutic advice. If you are in need of mental health assistance, please contact a licensed professional in your area.